Conversations With Stupid People
by foggi
Summary: parody of season seven november sweeps SPOILERS!!!!! UPDATED!
1. Lets talk or maybe I'll just hit you

****

Conversations with Stupid People

__

Spoilers for November sweeps season seven. I get angry, I write parody....

Joss owns everything, Marti thinks she owns everything, I own nothing...and it's all ME's fault. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

__

Buffy wanders into the cemetery with Dawn. She sits on the nearest grave and rolls her eyes. 

Buffy: So Dawn, today I talked to Kit! Did you know she has an eating disorder? Xander thinks-

Dawn: Buffy...I really don't think you should be telling me that kind of personal stuff about Kit...it's not legal. 

Buffy: So I was wondering if you could talk to her. Help her out. 

Dawn: Isn't that your job? 

Buffy: I guess so, but so is vampire slaying and I have you do that too! You can just do it all! I mean, I have so much other stuff to do...like...helping Spike! 

__

Dawn stares at Buffy blankly. 

Dawn: Buffy, you don't ever help Spike. For all you and I know, he could be smacking himself to death in the basement!

Buffy: He is. 

Dawn: What??

Buffy: It's okay DawnIE. He WANTS to hurt himself!!

Dawn: Why is he back in that basement anyways? I thought he was living with Xander...

Buffy: Well, he is! But not for sweeps. We don't know why. 

__

A vampire comes and attacks Dawn. Buffy files her nails. Dawn kills the vampire. Audience groans. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

__

Spike is crazy in the basement. Still. 

Morphy Eggman (ME): Hey there Spike-y. Want to do me a favor???

Spike: I told you to go AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

ME: Why? Don't you want to *be in the dark with me*

Spike: I thought I made it fairly clear three seasons ago that I don't.

ME: Rapist! You are eeeeeevil.

Spike: Look, I know you're trying to get me to do some sort of bad thing for you. But, to be honest, if I was going to be convinced that I was evil it would have been when Buffy was beating me and telling me that I was a thing. 

ME: Mmmm-Kay. Well....

__

Silence...then a voice from above comes across the speaker: 

Doug Petrie: Alright folks, Joss has left for the week, tell James we need him to be evil now before the *man* can come in and rewrite this! Marti, restrain Jane and Rebecca! 

__

An assistant director comes over to Spike and hands him some demon eggs and tattoos the phrase "Human Plot Twist" on his bare chest. 

Spike: I don't think I can do this. 

ME: We don't care!!! 

Spike: This doesn't make any sense. I haven't even been coherent for three months! How can I be expected to suddenly go evil? 

ME: Because you got a soul so you could be evil!!!

Spike: No. This has been confusing enough...if I had gotten the chip out I'd be evil, but I got the soul...

ME: What?? No! You got the chip out!

Spike: I got the soul dude. 

ME: Hmph. Well, no one cares anymore. 

__

An AR flashback montage goes across the screen. Spike gives in, and puts on the pretty blue shirt. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

__

To Be Continued. IN the next installment: The Spuffy graveyard scene, where we'll make you think we're doing something nice, and then we'll kill you spirit!!!!!! 


	2. Graveyard Passion

__

Once again, there are spoilers. There are depressing spoilers. Don't read if you don't want to know...

and Joss and ME owns everything, blame them. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

__

Buffy wanders through the graveyard. She rolls her eyes. God is the graveyard boring. She's so bored that she might actually have to deal with her problems. OH no. To avoid this, Buffy prays that one of her friends will go "evil" so she can kill them and make that Angel speech again. God does she love that Angel speech. 

BUFFY: I need to beat something. That will help me suppress the issues I have been carrying for the last seven years... 

__

Enter Spike. Or possibly Morphy!As!Spike the plot twist!!!! Drum roll please... 

BUFFY: _(looks upward)_ Thank GOD! Someone to abuse!!!!

SPIKE: Hello Slay-ah. 

BUFFY: Spike! You smell like crap!

SPIKE: Right. The insanity does that. 

BUFFY: Look, I really want to beat you up.

SPIKE: Well, I'm a *bad* man. 

BUFFY: But the thing is I can't lose any more sympathy from the audience-

__

Marti walks on set and hands Buffy a butcher knife.

-I am trying so very hard to promote female empowerment-

__

Joss walks on set and forces Buffy to hurl the knife at Spike. 

-but apparently that image is better presented when I am cutting you into tiny pieces. 

SPIKE: Look. I am going to go evil again. 

BUFFY: _(Big Smile)_ You'd do that for me? 

SPIKE: Of course, pet. Hell, I'd try to rape you and go insane for you if I thought it would make your life easier! 

BUFFY: Oh it does, it really really does!

SPIKE: Well, I'm off to suck the blood of some poor innocent!

BUFFY: Wait! _(She walks to him) _Please let me thank you. 

__

Buffy and Spike engage in a "passionate graveyard" make-out fest.

BUFFY: _(pulling away)_ Oh Spike! I'm sorry, you know that we can never be together!

SPIKE: Yup. 

BUFFY: And thank you for going evil so there is no remote possibility that I'll ever have to deal with my feelings for you again!

SPIKE: Anything for you, love. 

BUFFY: Now I can talk about Angel and how special he is all the time. And what's great is, I'll never see Angel again. Do you know what this means!?!

SPIKE: What, Pumpkin?

BUFFY: I'll never have to love anyone again!!! 

SPIKE: You know, you're strange. Why do I love you?

BUFFY: Because I am the law. I am the greatest thing in the universe, it's all about me. It's almost as if I have reverted to that high school mindset where I am the only important thing in the world! _(Big Smile)_

SPIKE: You should try and move on eventually, Sugar. Hell, even Xander has grown up. 

BUFFY: Hey! I am an adult! I take care of Daw-

SPIKE: I've seen Dawn recently, it seems that she takes care of you.

BUFFY: I walk through gardens and solve my problems! I worked at a fast-food joint for three months!

SPIKE: Baby doll, I love you, I'm evil, I'm whatever you want me to be, I'm practically your bloody sex!bot. But I don't think that any of these thing has really made you step away from your childhood. 

BUFFY: Did you know that Angel is the only person I ever, or will ever love?!?! I had to *kill* him! _(Her eyes water...)_

SPIKE: And I had to watch you die two years ago. Woohoo, darling. Are you in a time warp???

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

__

TBC...

Next time! The Buffy/Spike chase scene! What will they wear? What will be---well, no...all we know is what they are going to wear...but anyways. ALSO, Morphy and Spike have a chat. 


	3. She's a brick house

__

Hi there again. As always, there are spoilers in this little ditty...Yay for spoilers! Joss owns it all. I own nothing...apparently not even my own mind when it comes to what tv show to watch!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

__

Start Scene 3:

Buffy sits at her desk. She's balancing 400 paperclips on her foot. She'd think about how evil Spike has become...but this is so much more interesting.

BUFFY: God, I'm bored...now. 

__

End insignificant Scene 3. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

__

Start Scene 4. 

Dawn, Willow and Xander sit on the couch in Buffy's house. Buffy is happily arranging her weapons. 

DAWN: Buffy, what are you doing?

BUFFY: Dawn, where are Carlos and Kit? I was so hoping that they would occupy more of your time! You're becoming far too insightful for this household!

DAWN: You didn't answer my question. 

BUFFY: I don't have to! I'm Buffy!

XANDER: Dawn is right, Buffy. 

BUFFY: Xand-ER! You don't understand! I have to be alone, and the **law**!! I am the slayer!!!

WILLOW: For god's sake Buffy! Just tell them what you are doing with the weapons! The fans are already getting bored. Believe me, they get that you are a cold-hearted bitch...you don't have to rub it in everyone's face. You'd think they were stupid...

BUFFY: Fine! I will have you know that I *have* to kill Spike! _(she begins to cry and looks out into space)_ That makes the 2nd vampire with a soul that I have *had* to kill! God, I loved Angel!!!

WILLOW: And I loved Oz, I got over it. Buffy, it seems like you are forcing all of the men in your life to leave because you're afraid of really loving someone. 

__

Silence...this statement is ignored and will remain unspoken of for the next six years. 

XANDER: Well, do you have a reason for killing Spike?

BUFFY: He's evil!

XANDER: The man's insane! Even I feel sorry for him!

BUFFY: Who cares what anyone else thinks?!?

__

Enter Anya.

ANYA: Well, he does have a soul now...

__

Buffy rolls her eyes.

BUFFY: Yeah, how lame is *that*? 

__

All stare at Buffy. A stunned silence comes over the room...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

TBC, in a few days!!! :) Thanks to anyone who has reviewed!! 

__


	4. The anticlimax of the century

__

I know that it's been a while. And I like to get these finished BEFORE the actual episode airs. This time I was just too busy. So just a reminder, these are based on spoilers, not on the actual episode. And this one is covering ALL of November sweeps, and basically everything up through episode ten. So there are still some things the non spoiled may want to avoid! Withy that in mind, enjoy! And remember: it all belongs to Joss. 

ALSO!! If you want to put any of my fics on another site, please just email me first. I would love it if you put it somewhere else, I just want to know where it goes!

--------------------------------------------------------------

The room is still in a stunned silence as the scoobies think about the implications of Spike's new soul...

XANDER: So, does anyone want popcorn?

DAWN: Oh! Me! 

WILLOW: How did her get the soul?

__

All stare at Willow, annoyed. 

WILLOW: I mean...YES! popcorn! I'm sorry, I forgot that I am not supposed to make any intelligent comments. 

ANYA: In all seriousness, I SAW him, Buffy. I certainly don't think that he's out there kill-

BUFFY: I have no time for this!!! You all don't understand! 

__

Buffy sobs, but never stops arranging her weapons. 

BUFFY: You don't know how hard it's been. Just thinking about having to kill MY SECOND SOUL-ED VAMP!!! Do you even remember that I killed Angel?!?! 

ANYA: My god, how could we forget, he's only had his own show for four years. I can see how you are still attached to the man you haven't seen in over a year. That makes sense. 

BUFFY: WHY ME!?!?! I'm in such pain!

WILLOW: Well, maybe Spike has had such a hard time that he's had to revert to killing, Buffy. Are you sure that this is what is really happening?

BUFFY: That's just it! No one is sure of anything! One day I hear that it's the First Evil, the next day I hear it's the Watcher's Council, sometimes the First Slayer!

__

Buffy tires to care about all of this, but ends up balancing 4,000,000 rubber bands on her ear. 

XANDER: Well, Buffy, what do you believe?

BUFFY: The most illogical thing, duh! It must be that Spike is killing again. Never mind the chip in his head or his guilt from the soul! I HAVE to kill him...he knows too much about me, and I am a little worried what he'll tell you all when he gets his sanity back. 

WILLOW: Maybe we should check this out.

DAWN: Spike is EEEEVIL!!!

__

Xander gives Dawn a cookie.

ANYA: Dawn, you idolize Spike. 

DAWN: Nope! I hate him. I don't care WHO forgives him, he is...eeevil.

__

Cut to ME meeting. Writers sit at a large table, their hired help feed them grapes. 

JOSS: You don't think we're going overkill on that Spike thing, do you?

MARTI: Eeevil. 

JOSS: Marti, maybe we should come up with something else that's wrong with Spike, I mean, he isn't really eeevil at all anymore when you thin about it. 

__

Marti leaves the room, calls the Fox execs. Returns to the room.

MARTI: Joss, Fox says that Firefly is in dire need of your care.

JOSS: Please go say that they are canceling it!

MARTI: No today...they just need you.

JOSS: Well then, you're in charge, you little man hater! 

MARTI: Thanks!

JOSS: Have fun suicide gal!

TBC 


End file.
